From Greg, To Jonathan--A response

In both of Jonathan's pieces, we are introduced to a boy named Clay. Exercise #3 and Exercise #2 give us two different accounts using a similar character and circumstance, however, not the same, exactly. In both writing examples, the narrator uses a rich and wordy vocabulary that do not necessarily obstruct the flow of the writing because it is not the boy speaking, but rather, some other. However, there are times this elevated writing gets in the way. For example, some phrases are repetitive and are only serve to use this elevated language such as the “unbroken calm”. I thought to myself, isn't calm inherently “unbroken”? Sometimes, when these phrases where combined into some of the longer sentences, the meaning became unclear: “...after a quiet argument the night before about some book that his father had taken to reading and some comments or advice that he made to her brother about a taking his grandmother off of life support; this was evidently meant to escape his and his sister's notice but children always heard those things that parents most wanted them not to hear”. Why comments or advice? What exactly is going on? Why is there no names? The lack of names was especially confusing in writing #3. I had a hard time following “she”, “brother's sister”, “her sister”, etc. I think actually naming individuals, clearing up some of repetitive and unnecessary language, and creating a vivid setting will help the reader understand and place themselves with Clay in writing #3. Writing #2 had some of the same strengths and weaknesses. However, there are more names and places in this exercise (as it is the plot exercise) to help ground the reader, but I found the best places for me to be was in the dream sequences. Again, we have some omniscient narrator, so the elevated language doesn't distract inherently unless it is unnecessary such as “And his voice grew invariably fainter”. What is wrong with just his voice faded or his voice became fainter? Invariably seems like a hard thing for an ear to judge. Also, in writing #2 I found the pace to be very quick and perhaps because of this I had issues with space and time. Except, as I mentioned before, in the dream sequences. In the dreams there was a slower move to setting and characters (although not that much slower) and it helped me, it gave me time to digest what was going on. Not to mention the dreams were quite interesting in of themselves. But at the end of the piece, I am left with a feeling of “what just happened?” Somewhere in the pacing, language, and lack of scenery, the overall intent gets lost and I wonder about the incident with the pastor at the end and why there is some blasphemic(word?) conflict. The broken paragraphs ala stanzas are a nice touch to writing #2 and I would like to see them further developed. Some kind of mix of prose and poetry that can speed up the pace, slow it down, and help provide an overall sense of place throughout.