Brandi's Novella

Okay it is really rough, and I havent had alot of time to type everything up, sorry I am just now getting to posting it. If you would perfer an email of my work just send me one, fsbmn1@uaf.edu. See you all Thur. Brandi Nissen The earth vibrates beneath me even though I am stationary, as the old black Dodge Dakota chugs up the dirt road to lookout point. During the day I hear the view is breath taking, with the surrounding hills to the east of the city and a winding road out of town to the west. But at night you can’t see any of that, instead the view below is more like moving fire. Each of the city lights blaze upon the backdrop of darkness, as well as a few sparks to the west where others choose to live. We are not there yet; instead we are surrounded by the smell of earth, diesel, and secrecy. This is not the first time we have taken the man made path above the city of Pardee that cuts through ancient spruce trees, and it’s not the first time they have seen us. Like sentinels watching over the woods in fear we may further disturber their slumber. In the past I was always afraid of these trees, of him, of what people would think, but now I am afraid of what new action they might witness. Each sentry standing alone, but still together in the crowded woods trying to protect their sanctuary. Each one looking down upon us, as we speed to the end of the road and the beginning of our night. I keep the window rolled all the way down even though winter is riding steadily on the breeze and tuning my cheeks a hazy shade of red. In the glow of the headlights I can see the dying colors of fall, all orange, yellow, and brown cascading from above. Though I can’t remember if it looked like this two years ago when we first made the trip up the hill. What I do remember is the heavy feeling of fear and anticipation, and coy looks shared between him and me. His rough voice asking me, “So…have you…I mean do you, never mind.” I felt the same way, lost in religious predictability of my life, and wondering what possessed me to follow him. Trying to find the moment when I decided that all the rules that keep my life in order were suddenly nonexistent. How someone you could literally set your watch to suddenly makes a choice to cut deep against the swirling grain. Though it bugs me even more that I can never remember what the woods looked like that night, no matter how hard I try to picture it. I remember feeling like an idiot in a stranger’s truck surrounded by intimidating trees hiding us both from anyone, but the details of everything else is still a blur. I guess it is like any first, if you remembered it clearly you wouldn’t think of it so affectionately. Like the first time you are kissed in school, you don’t want to remember the excess spit or that he tried to drown you with his tongue. Instead you remember that he was cute and for a brief moment he wanted you. The need to be wanted is so strong that we ignore everything else in our lives, and I can’t tell you what he said before I leaped into the truck. He was a stranger than and in a way he is still a stranger. Garret is man of few words, but I have never need his words before. All I needed was to know that he was available to me when I wanted a warm body. Up ahead I can see the last bend of the road, and as we take it the head lights stretch far out into space. Touching nothing and illumination the small parking lot the state made some 20 years ago when tourist came to Pardee to experience nature, instead of coming for the amusement park built 5 years later, and then later torn down because of lack of interest. I can barely wait for the truck to reach its spot upon the hill, where it will rest till we no longer need the space. Like always he pulls it to a stop just slightly to the right side of the lookout, and with shaking hands I heave open the door that grinds from lack of oil and jump down into the moist earth. I take only a second to regain my sense of balance as my feet contact with fresh dirt and I begin to run for the edge of the cliff that has been conveniently lined with cement barriers. Originally the barriers were intended to keep the people who visit this place from missing the edge and going over, but now they are just a starting point. There I stop, bare feet freezing into place as the stone shares its lonely chill with me, and a rush of aromatic air tries to push me back, and I stare out at the fire of lights, at the burning city below. The tarnished driver side door is slammed so hard the body of the truck shakes and the noise resonates out into the vast emptiness. “What in the hell are you doing? Get your ass back from there, now!” “Why are you afraid I am going to fall? You know I won’t.” I half heartily chuckle, “You of all people should know that I have a talent for keeping my balance under pressure. If I put my mind to it, I could do anything on my feet all night.” I hear his heavy boots grind against the ground as he approaches me. I cannot give him the pleasure of turning around, I will not give in just because he is getting closer. In a lower and much more familiar tone of voice he tells me, “I am not worried that you will fall.” There is a long pause as though he is not sure how to talk to me, how to express what he is feeling. And why should he, it isn’t like we are the best of friends, hell we are not even friends. We are two grown adults who happen to… “Just get down. Please.” “Why should I?” My own voice sounds foreign to me coming out as strong and authoritative. “I am more than happy to stand her and look out; it isn’t like I normally take in the view below, after all. Though I must say that I have gotten a good look at the stars up here, we’re old friends.” “Ha Ha Marlene, will you quite fucking around already and come back to the truck.” “Isn’t that what you want to do in the truck? What is the nature lover afraid of a little cold?” “Okay that’s it, if you are going to keep joking around I am leaving. I didn’t come here for this shit.” I shot around on the ledge, “No you didn’t, did you? This place is good for only one thing, just like I am only good for one thing. Stop being such a selfish ass and just chill out. I just want to stand here for a little bit, it is not like you need to entertain me. Plus if you leave me here, they will know.” He spun around in his oil covered Carhartt’s not a large man, but still intimidating. With his finger thrusted out in accusation he screams, “Of the few things I know about you, the number one thing is that WE don’t exist outside of this spot. That you have never told anyone about me, and you made it clear the first time that we owed nothing to each other.” His anger and words only feed my need to make a change, and is just another point against trying to be two people. “Today, today I left a note Garret. Today there is proof of you and me. So you’re not going anywhere, and you are going to sit here and wait till I am done.” “I won’t be witness to you jumping off the edge. So get the hell down from there.” Turning back around, “Who said I would jump? I am just taking in the view and having a talk with you.” Wondering why the hell you need to be here to witness this, why I couldn’t just come alone. From somewhere inside of me there is pull, a need to…how did she say it? ~ ~ ~ “Regurgitate that this instance young lady. That was not meant for you that was mine. You are too young to be eating rum balls anyways.” Her small hands holding my face as she tries to get me to open up and spit it out. Instead I do my best to savor as much of the rich candy as I can. “Give it back. That was my gift, you spoiled little brat.” Now she is sobbing into those pale boney hands. “Every time I get something nice you have to go and ruin it.” I try to touch her, hoping that she wills stop crying but instead she shoves me away. “Get out of my sight” As I walk away her sobs get louder, and I feel guilty for taking the last piece of candy. I wish I could regurgitate it so she could have it back, but it is too late there is nothing left. ~ ~ ~ I can hear him shuffling even closer to me now. His voice is so near, it reminds me of an intimate whisper among lovers, “Well if you aren’t gonna jump, why not take a few steps back, and enjoy the view with me from here.” “My ass is not what I came up here to stare at.” Turning only my head and shoulders towards him and giving him my best come fuck me look and I whisper, “But feel free to keep an eye on it for me.” His deep sigh tells me he will not leave, at least not yet. Though I really want to know why I just didn’t come here alone. Instead I have dragged him along to be witness to…what exactly? What in the hell am I doing? Maybe I should just go back to the truck and have Garret take me home. Go back to the house and relax so that I don’t have to be inside my own head. If it wasn’t for snapping yesterday, I wouldn’t feel this way, like everything inside me has been carved out. I can’t figure it out; she has never made me that angry before. I have always been good at being just another person people talk at. ~ ~ ~ Thick red lips, smeared across porcelain skin, topped with blond victory curls all wrapped into a sleek slate power suit, this is Elizabeth. Not Beth or Lizzy, but Elizabeth. My closest thing to a friend, and the women I am locked in a small room with 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. Our positions in the company requires that we digitalize all the paper work that is coming into our office, and the only thing left to drown out the humming of the scanners is Elizabeth’s constant chatter. Though I would have to admit today I would kill for her to just keep her mouth shut. She has been hammering on all day about how her night was, and her latest crush. One of the new interns in the main office, who looks to be about 22 years old and just barely out of puberty. The boy is so baby face I would suspect he has never had to shave, let alone iron his own shirts. Although Elizabeth has always had a thing for younger men, and I never quite understood why. She is model beautiful, and she keeps herself healthier than any 29 year old should be. In fact we spent all of lunch arguing about the importance of lots of fiber in your diet, and how I should consider changing my spaghetti noodles to whole wheat if I insisted on eating carbs. Well really it was more like Elizabeth talking to me, and me nodding to keep her from noticing that I wanted to throw my fork at her. “You know Ted in receiving is looking fine today. You should really think about giving him the time of day before I get my…” I will do my best not to kill Elizabeth. I will do my best NOT to kill ELIZABETH. I only have 15 more minutes until this hell is over. Just turn, smile, and nod politely it is not like she needs an answer or wants one. What the hell. Her perfectly manicured hand is flashing in front of my face. “Hey are you paying attention? I worry about you Marlene; you know you are not getting any younger. You’re like 32,” 28, “and in the past 5 years I have never heard you talk about anyone.” Like you would let me, you chatter box! I know you. One minute you would be listening to me and the next you would be sharing my most personal life details with the entire company. But then again, I know you talk about what you assume to be my lack of life behind my back. “Anyways maybe Ted is wrong for you, he is divorced and only looking for flings.” Elizabeth manages to shoot me a look that says I should be so lucky, even though her desk is almost directly behind mine. “You know he slept with Dana. Really he should have had better taste in all that. After all she is, how do I say this without sounding like a bitch, hmm…pudgy.” She seems to regret her choice of words, or maybe she feels bad about saying it at all. “At least you are proportional, and with me helping you to refine you look you could snag him.” Or maybe not. Tic, tic, tic, tic, screw this it is close enough and if I don’t get out of this office I might say something that would get me fired, or worse lose my only friend. “Where are you going we still have 10 more minutes of work left?” The concerned look on her face says that I am not doing what she expects of me, well fuck her. “Home.” Come on you can do better than that, “I am going home.” ~ ~ ~ Maybe I should have been a little nicer. She didn’t deserve that kind of treatment; I know she can be a bitch sometimes, but she cares. In her own sick little way. “Oh, Jesus Christ! What are you doing?” His cold arms move off my shoulders, but leave behind the comfort of his black winter Carhartt jacket. “I could see you were shivering from the truck. Look, I might not be able to get you to move but that doesn’t mean you have to freeze to death.” I can’t help but smile at the gesture, just another sign of his roots. It is part of his charm to do the unexpected, the little things he does when you least expect him to. “Would you like me to get you your shoes too? Or would you just rather have the Smart Wools that are under the seat? Or even better you could warm up in the truck.” It is my turn to laugh so hard it burns, “Have you washed them since the last time you found a use for them?” Even the memory of that night is enough to get him excited. Probably doesn’t help that what was supposed to happen tonight won’t happen anyways? The look in his amber eyes is the first sign, like you’re the minty treat on his pillow before he climbs in for the night. I have to admit that this look makes me melt, and standing on the icy cement, cold at the edge of the cliff is not the best place to be melting. “I’ll grab your shoes beautiful.” He leans in and kisses my lips ever so softly, toying with the hormones that are pumping through my blood. “So I will take that as a no.” “Take what as a no?” “I can’t believe that you still haven’t washed those things. By now they should be able to get up and walk on their own.” “I can’t find them. Did you throw them out the window or something?” “The socks?” “No. Your shoes woman.” “Why in the hell would I throw my brand new Mary Jane’s out the window? Those shoes are classic and cost me half a week’s salary.” His head shoots above the door. “Why in the hell would you want to spend that kind of money on shoes? Shit never mind, women and shoes never made any sense to me before.” He ducks his head back into the truck to continue looking for my shoes and I can’t help but wonder why he just doesn’t leave me here. “Will you help me look for them? You might of tossed them under the truck in your mad dash to the edge.” “I am not mad. And they should be under the seat.” Thinks that I am stupid enough to move, because the minute I walk over there is the minute he throws my ass in the truck and drives away. Charging down the hill like some knight in shining armor, trying to save the night from some horrible disaster. Well maybe I am a disaster waiting to happen at this point, but it doesn’t mean I am stupid. It is just hard to go to mindless job dressed in the same work clothes, and my hair tied back tight every day. Getting up at 6 am and clocking in at exactly 8, God you really could set your watch to my actions. Even when I step outside my routine it is at exactly the same time. Every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday night at 9:45 pm, I leave the house and go looking for what I need. I can almost guarantee that Garret will be there Thursday night every week, though tonight is a Saturday. Shit I can’t even try to deviate my routine when I try and plan something spontainious. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore, there has to be some freedom. God the fire below looks so warm and cozy, and it is so cold up here. “Found them.” My shiny vintage shoes don’t look very warm, but anything to separate me from the cement would be nice at this point in time. “Why did you wear these tonight? You always got those old hiking boots on when I see you.” I can see the nostalgic grin on his face as he says, “Well except the first time.” Grabbing the stiff leather shoes from his hands I can’t help but smile as well. “For a man who doesn’t understand women and their shoes, you sure do remember what I like to wear.” “Well hell, you shrunk 3 inches the second night I saw you.” “Just because I couldn’t look you in the eyes the second night, didn’t mean I gave up anything. I just didn’t think that high heels were a good choice for my feet up here.” I spread my arms wide with full intention of making a point, but instead I started to feel my inner compass pull me back towards nothing. The next thing I hear is, “OH SHIT!” out of both of us. It takes me less time to turn my head and see nothing beneath me then it would have taken me to jump. And in this moment I can’t help think that I won’t make it. That my right to make a choice is gone, and now I am going to die without anyone ever knowing that I wasn’t who they thought I was. I love to paint, and I spend hours every weekend working on my paintings. That just like old predictable me, you would have found me wearing my Bob Ross T-shirt and ancient paint covered overalls hiding in my back room with the currents left open in order to take advantage of the natural light. Hovering over the smallest detail and trying to work out how to mix the perfect shade of green to accent the vines crawling up a disintegrating iron bench. What would they think of me when they see that bench, and the other paintings that litter the spare room? Would they say I had this untapped talent, or would they say just like that college professor that I should never show anyone my work again? That talent was not something you could learn, but you were born with. Maybe they would be kind like the green eyed boy and say that they are sad and beautiful in their own right. What does it matter no one I know will be there in the house after I am gone, and no one I know will ever hear about them. Just as I resign myself to falling and never waking up, a steam of light crosses over me and I can see Garret grabbing me just in time. This time I have no need to push him away, and instead clutch onto his bulk. The wind is pushing his scent of diesel trucks that he works on, and a bit of wood smoke towards me, and for a moment I make myself believe that this is right. But like everything else I have to remember who I am with, and I can’t lean on him. “Oh my god, that was a trip.” As I move my body away from his and towards the ground to sit Garret just stands there dumb founded. As though I am not suppose to sound so calm and collected about almost plummeting to my death, as if they teach that type of etiquette. Though no matter how steady my voice stays or still my hands are, it doesn’t mean that I am not scared. “How in the Hell can you act like that didn’t just happen? Woman are you trying to kill yourself, or just see how long it would take to give me a heart attack? I mean if it wasn’t for the damn headlights I don’t know if I could have grabbed you before your ass went flying over the edge. You seem to think that I don’t…” “Headlights? But your truck hasn’t moved.” “It must have been someone else who is actually going to get lucky tonight?” “Quit acting like the kid who didn’t get a cookie. I think for all that I have done for you, and don’t argue with me on this one buddy, I desire a few minute of your time.” “You know you need to back off, you are nothing special. Not like I can’t replace you in minutes if I wanted to. Hell I am being the good guy here, I should have dumped you ass when you ran to take your nose dive.” “Ha. The good guy, you only came up here to get fucked. That is all you ever come up here for. Shit I know that is the only reason I have ever used this space for, and you sure as hell are not the only person I have been here with.” “Yeah right, you get your fucking panties in a bunch just talking to another person. Hell come to think of it your mouth has been flapping more tonight then it has since I meet you. Well at least when it comes to bitching.” “Oh go suck your own cock.” Both of us are poised to pounce and I have somehow managed to get back to my feet. “That’s what you’re for.” Thrusting another oil stained finger at me. Oh that is it, thinks he can pretend to be the better person, and act like this is all my fault. Like I need your ass here to listen to me, I would rather jump them put up with your shit. No I should push your hairy ass over the edge and let that be the end of all your bullshit. Then at least one of my problems will get solved tonight. It is not like I need you here for anything else. Hold on woman, breath count to ten. One, two, three, four, maybe it isn’t that bad, five, six, seven, eight, he is the only person who would care enough to stay, nine, ten. Okay sit your ass back down on the ground, and breath. “Sorry.” “What?” I look up and see his face flushed from the sudden anger now being distorted into confusion. Like a quickly deflating balloon he sinks to the ground next to me. “Why did that just happen?” “Two years of pent up frustration that we couldn’t sweat out I guess.” “Maybe. Why are we sitting on the ground?” “Just felt like that is where I should be.” Without the blare of our argument, the trees made dark noises with the wind. Scratching and knocking together all around us, and the distant hum of a car engine caught my ear. “What about those headlights?” “What headlights?” “The ones you said you saw. You said there was another car up here?” “Well we are not the only ones who have been to the lookout.” “I know. You’re not the only one I have been here with. You know these trees are far more familiar with me than I care to admit, and they tend to be far more fascinating than my revolving company.” “What?” “Oh wipe that dumb hick look off your face. You can’t pretend that you are the only man on the planet. Least not the only one I am stupid enough to sleep with without getting a name first.” I hate to admit to him that sitting down feels good, and after an hour of standing in one spot was enough to kill my calves and turn my feet purple. I should be happy he keeps the wools socks in the truck, just in case he gets one of his whims to go hunting, but I wish they had were clean. Soon I might have to give in and wear them anyways. “I am not dumb, or a hick for that matter. And who you fuck is none of my business.” “You’re mad I bring them here though aren’t you. That I would take a space that is supposed to be just for us.” “Who said you were the only one.” He heaves himself off the cement edge and walks back to the truck. I can hear him rummaging through something, and then walking back. All the confidence in the world plastered across his face. “I am just surprised that we haven’t run into one another. After all this is one of the best places to be away from everyone, and to focus solely on the act at hand.” I can see his smirk outlined by the light of a cigarette that he seem to produce from nowhere. “Sorry did you want one?” “When did you start smoking? And no I don’t want one; they are nothing more than an addictive oral fixation.” From beside me his bombing laugh feels as though he could shake the heavens, and I am not surprised to find him clutching his gut and trying to catch his breath. “You worried about forming an addictive oral fixation?” I know it is childish but at this point sticking my tongue out seems to be the only good answer to his question, that and a playful shove when he finally makes it to my side. I feel light in the chest and the urge to laugh with him, but even with all jokes aside we were still here for a reason. I just need to figure out what it is. “Would you put that smelly thing out already.” “Sorry, bad habit. Every time I try to quite something seems draws me back.” “Sounds like me” “Huh?” “Every time you try to leave me here, I seem to find a new button to push to keep you here.” “Yeah I guess.” As the night draws on the city gets brighter, blazing below us full of happy families settling in for a good night’s sleep. Each one turning on the security light for the night, so that they can feel safer inside their little worlds. Like a child warding off the boogie man with the night light her father bought her, but her mother would call her a baby for having. Closer to downtown lights begin to spark for different reasons. Being a Saturday night means that all the clubs in town would be packed full of lonely people looking to hook up for the night, and the lights of the clubs are beacons for them to find their next fix. When Garret is not available those clubs are where I go to get my fix. Troll like a man through the crowed for the nearest fit to my requirements. Must be taller than me but not by much, broad, and able to keep his mouth shut. Sometimes these men are easy to find, standing against the wall just waiting for a woman to say, “fuck me”. When I walk up to them and say just this, they get this look of shock, then awe, and then the greedy smile of a man who thinks he is getting what he wants. Sometimes I take what I need from them in bathrooms or the parking lot of the club I found them at. But it is the ones that I feel can be trusted that I would bring up here. For some reason it feel natural to be up here, even if Garret isn’t with. There was one man… ~ ~ ~ “God you’re sexy. Do you taste like you look?” I can feel his sweaty palms stroking my bare arms as he maneuvers his body closer to mine pinning me between him and the car. Looking up I see the look of a wannabe alpha male, and I have turned out to be what he believes is his prize for the night. But this is not the first time that we have been together, and I know that I have all the power here. Pushing his hands off my arms, I step into his space and he takes one step back. “Want to find out?” I walk around the car taking charge of the situation, and like all the men before him he follows. Mitchell always comes across as this egotistical alpha male, but in all reality he is nothing more than a little boy that wants to play with the big boy toys. And while I don’t have to put up with his shit, I enjoyed his eagerness to please. But he would never come close to as fun to be with as Garret. That’s why this is the last night I plan to spend with him, even eagerness gets boring after a while. ~ ~ ~ “I know you are not ready to leave yet, but it is freezing out here and I would like nothing more than to go sit in the truck.” “I’m not stopping you.” “Actually you are. I feel really bad if I am sitting in the truck with the heater running and you not in there with me. So either you get up and come with and warm up, or we sit here till one of our butts freezes to the cement and we have to have someone peal us off.” “Promise I can come back out here when I can feel my feet again?” “I promise we will not leave till you want to.” As he stands up he drags my arm along with him in order to pull me up. “After all I am pretty sure that you would jump out of the truck while it is moving if you really didn’t want to leave.” “Awe you know me so well.” “Not really, but I am starting to see you a little better.”